This page contains some entertaining scripture jokes and
quips. If you know of one that is not included in the listing, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will add it to
the list, with an acknowledgment of you as the contributor (clean, wholesome,
and uplifting contributions only, please).
Genesis 1:1 -- The
first mention of baseball in the Bible? This verse states that in the
"big inning" (beginning) God created the heaven and the earth.
Genesis -- Is the Lord really an
anesthesiologist? Perhaps, since this verse states that the Lord God
caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam.
Genesis -22 -- Is this the first
mention of electronic equipment in the Bible? Some would say yes, because
from Adam's rib was created the first loud speaker.
Genesis -- If Methuselah is the
person who lived the longest, how is it that he died before his father
did? Moses 7:68-69 and Moses 8:1 tell us that
the days of Enoch (Methuselah's father) were 430 years and he was then
taken up into heaven without tasting death.
Genesis 7 -- The
wealthiest rancher in the Bible? Probably Noah, as he had all the
livestock while everyone else was liquidated. (Submitted by Dan Bates)
Genesis 7:13-17 -- Who
was the best financial planner in the Bible? Probably Noah, because he
kept his stock afloat while the rest of the world was under liquidation.
(Submitted by E. J. Colby).
Genesis 24:63 -- The
first mention of smoking in the Bible? It must be this verse wherein it
states that Rebekah lighted off the camel.
Genesis 39:4 -- The
first mention of tennis in the Bible? This verse states that Joseph
served in Pharoah's court. (Submitted by Dan
Exodus 2:1-6 -- Who
was the best financier in the Bible? Probably Pharoah's
daughter because she got a little profit (prophet) by a rush on the bank!
Exodus 12:50-51 -- Who
was the best obstetrician in the Bible? Probably Moses, because he
delivered all of the children of Israel! (Submitted by E. J.
Numbers -- A talking donkey?
Yes, as this verse states, "And the Lord opened the mouth of the
ass, and she (the ass) said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that
thou hast smitten me these three times?".
Deuteronomy -- A very large bed! Og, described as a giant,
had a bedstead that was 13.5 cubits (13'6") long and 4 cubits (6')
Joshua 6:5 -- Joshua
drove a Dodge truck? This verse states, "...when they make a long
blast with the ram's horn..."
2 Samuel -- King David had big
feet? In this verse, David praises the Lord by saying, "Thou has enlarged my steps under me; so that my feet did
2 Kings 2:23-24 -- The
consequence of mocking a prophet? In this instance, the consequence was
an attack by wild bears!
2 Chronicles 34:22 --
A university student mentioned in the Old Testament? Yes, as this verse
tells us that Huldah lived in Jerusalem at the college.
Ezra 9:3 -- A
wonderful scriptural response to a "Dear John" letter! This
verse reads, "And when I heard this thing, I rent my garment and my
mantle, and plucked off the hair of my head and of my beard, and sat down
Nehemiah -- Clothing that lasted 40
years? In describing Moses and the wandering Israelites, this verse says,
"...forty years didst thou sustain them in the wilderness, so that
they lacked nothing; their clothing waxed not old,..."
Esther -- Mordecai was a BYU
Cougar fan! This verse states, "...Mordecai went out from the
presence of the king in royal apparel of blue and white..."
Psalms 83:15 -- The
Lord owns a Pontiac and a Geo? This verse urges the Lord to
"...persecute them with thy tempest, and make them afraid
with thy storm."
Proverbs -- Gray hair is
glorious? This verse states, "The hoary head (the gray hair of old
age) is a crown of glory, if it be found in the way of
Proverbs -- Forget about using
Grecian Formula! "The glory of young men is their strength: and the
beauty of old men is the gray head."
Proverbs -- Contentious men and
women? Men are quick to point out this disturbing verse, but it could
just as easily say, "It is better to dwell in the wildnerness than with a domineering and overbearing
man." (Submitted by Matthew Winslett)
Proverbs 25:25 -- A clever
way for a missionary to tell his family how much he appreciates their
letters: "As cold waters to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a
Proverbs 27:14 --
Anyone who has trouble with a loud spouse or companion in the mornings
could use this scripture: "He that blesseth
his friend with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be
counted a curse to him."
Proverbs 28:25 --
Obesity is a reward for trusting in God? Apparently so, as this verse
states, "...he that putteth his trust in
the Lord shall be made fat."
Ecclesiastes -- Want to get out of
doing your homework? Quote this verse to your parents! "...of making
many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the
Isaiah 5:8 -- Why
should contractors and developers who build twin homes and condomiums be concerned? Because this verse says,
"Woe unto them that join house to house,..."
Isaiah -- The Lord is a surgeon?
This verse states: "...but they regard not the work of the Lord,
neither consider the operation of his hands."
Isaiah 6:5 -- Another
response to a "Dear John" letter: "Then said I, Woe is me!
for I am undone;"
Isaiah 20:2-4 -- A
three-year nude stint for Isaiah? You be the judge.
Isaiah 28:20 -- How a
lot of tall missionaries feel when they serve in foreign countries. This
verse states: "For the bed is shorter than that a man can stretch
himself on it: and the covering narrower than that he can wrap himself in
Isaiah 37:36 -- Dead
people can arise and walk? This verse says, "Then the angel of the
Lord went forth, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians 185,000: and
when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses."
Isaiah 57:4 -- Does
the Bible condemn "French kissing"? Check it out!
Jeremiah 32:37 -- The
Lord drives a car? This verse states: "...I will gather them out of
all countries, whither I have driven them in mine anger and in my fury..."
Lamentations -- Lots of attractive
women in Zion?
Yes, because this verse states that "...the foxes walk upon the mountain of Zion."
Hosea 7:9 -- Grecian
Formula in Old Testament times? Yes, because this verse states that,
"...gray hairs are here and there upon [the men of Ephraim], and
[they] knoweth not."
Zechariah 2:6 -- Santa
Claus mentioned in the Old Testament? This verse says, "Ho, ho,
come forth, and flee from the land of the north..."
Zechariah 5:1 -- A
food fight? This verse states, "Then I turned, and lifted up mine
eyes, and looked, and behold a flying roll."
Matthew 7:6 -- Pigs
with pearl necklaces? Perhaps so, if you cast your pearls accurately.
Luke -- News reporters in the New
Testament? This verse states, "Then came to him (Jesus) his mother
and his brethren, and [they] could not come at him for the press."
Acts 6:2 -- The
apostles as waiters? This verse states, "Then the twelve called the
multitude...unto them and said, It is not reason that we should leave the
word of God and serve tables."
Acts 10:1 --
Orchestras in the New Testament? This verse states, "There was a
certain man...called Cornelius, a centurion of the band called the
Acts 27:43-44 -- Paul
was a surfer? Apparently so. These verses describe how, after a
shipwreck, Paul and others got safely to shore on boards.
1 Corinthians -35 -- Women should not
speak in church? If a sister would prefer not to speak in Stake
Conference or in a Sacrament Meeting, just quote these verses to your
2 Corinthians 10:9-11
-- Good verses for missionaries to send home to family and friends if
they aren't receiving enough mail from home, "For his letters, say
they, are weighty and powerful...".
2 Corinthians -- Holy kisses? This
verse tells us to "Greet one another with an
Galatians -- Another verse for
missionaries to use to get more mail from home: "Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own
Ephesians -- The Savior is an
honorary Native American? This verse tells us that he is Chief Corner
1 Thessalonians -- A great verse for
missionaries to use as they write home; my heart is with you even though
I cannot be with you personally.
1 Thessalonians -- More holy kissing!
1 Timothy -- A great verse to send
home just before you return from your mission. "These things write I
unto thee, hoping to come unto thee shortly:"
Timothy 5:1 -- Why we shouldn't mess with the full-time
missionaries! "Rebuke not an elder."
2 Timothy 1:4 -- A
verse for a love-sick elder to send home to his girlfriend? "Greatly
desiring to see thee, being mindful of thy tears,...".
Philemon -- A great verse to send
to someone who has been faithful and obedient. "Having confidence in
thy obedience I wrote unto thee, knowing that thou wilt also do more than
2 John -- Another good verse to
send home just before your mission ends.
3 John -14 -- Yet another good
reference to send home just before your mission ends.
Book of Mormon
1 Nephi -- The most famous
impersonator in the Book of Mormon? It must be Nephi, as this verse states
that Nephi commanded Zoramin the voice of Laban that he should go with Nephi into the
1 Nephi -- The Lord is an avid
golfer? Perhaps, since this verse states that, "...the course
of the Lord is one eternal round."
1 Nephi 5:8 -- Lehi had
a pet insect? Well, the Lord commanded Lehi to take his family and flea
(flee) into the wilderness.
2 Nephi -- Jacob disrobes in front
of a congregation? Check it out.
2 Nephi -- Obesity condoned? This
verse says, "...and let your soul delight in fatness."
2 Nephi -- Perhaps sleeping in
each morning is a good idea? This verse decries those who rise up early
in the morning. (Finn K.)
2 Nephi -- Go easy on semi-sweet
chocolate! (Finn K.)
Mosiah -- King Benjamin had
pulpit-fright? He said, "...even at this time, my whole frame doth
tremble exceedingly while attempting to speak unto you;"
Mosiah 6:5 -- A
three-year old king in the Book of Mormon? This verse states that
"...king Benjamin lived three years and he
died." (Finn K.)
Mosiah 6:6 -- Living
dangerously? This verse says that "...king Mosiah did walk in the
ways of the Lord...". A person would be
wise to do all he could to stay out of the way of the Lord! (Finn K.)
Mosiah -- Cyclops in the Book
of Mormon? Alma
told the saints at the waters of Mormon that "...they should look
forward with one eye."
Mosiah 25:15 -- Giants
in the Book of Mormon? This verse tells us that Alma spoke to people "...when they
were gathered together in large bodies".
Alma -- Alma's
checking account? He saw a "great check".
Alma 17:37-38 -- Slot machines in the
Book of Mormon? In these verses, Ammon cut off the arms of several
robbers. They thus became 'one-armed bandits' (slot machines).
Alma 30:60 -- Lucifer is into drag
racing? Sounds like it, because this verse says, "...we see that the
devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily
drag them down to hell." What a race! (Submitted by Jay Hales)
Alma 52:31 -- Longer months in the Book
of Mormon? Apparently so, because this verse states, "...but the
Lamanites were wearied because of their long march."
Alma 56:50 -- More long months? This
time the army of Antipus was weary
"...because of their long march."
Alma 60:6 -- A great verse for
missionaries to use if they aren't receiving enough mail from home. This
verse states, "...we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly
Helaman -- Very, very small
people in the Book of Mormon? Yes, as this verse states that the people
were gathered together in small bodies. This verse also contains a date -
Helaman -- Nephi had a horse?
Probably, as this verse quotes him as saying, "...whoa (wo), be unto you.." The
horse's name must have been 'be unto you'!
4 Nephi -- There were no termites
in Book of Mormon times? This verse says, "There were no robbers,
nor murderers, neither were there Lamanites, nor any manner of -ites..."
Mormon 7:7 -- Why
every Latter-day Saint should sing in his or her ward choir! All those
who are found guiltless and dwell with God in his Kingdom will
"...sing ceaseless praises with the choirs above, unto the Father...". It would serve us well to get as much practice
as we can here on earth, with the hope that we will be in that great
Ether 1:6 --
Anesthetics in the Book of Mormon? There is a whole book talking about ether.
Ether -- The Jaredites left the
Tower of Babel in cars? In this verse,
Jared asks if the Lord "...will drive us out of the land,..."
Ether -- The smallest man in
the Book of Mormon? Probably Ether, as this verse tells us that he dwelt
in a cavity, and dental cavities aren't very big.
Ether -14 -- Jaredites who had
trouble sleeping? These ones must have, as these verses tell us that they
slept on their swords. Ouch!
Moroni -- Why should dog-owners be worried? This
verse admonishes, "...that ye become holy, without Spot (spot)".
Doctrine & Covenants
of Great Price
D&C 4:4 and -- Why are there more
wicked people than righteous people? These verses tell us that the
righteous harvest with a sickle and the forces of hell use a combine!
D&C 52:14 -- Satan
is a woman? This verse states that Satan is abroad (a broad) in the land.
D&C 62:7 -- Horse
and mule owners among the Lord's favorites? This verse would lead you to
D&C 81:5 --
Orthopedic surgeons among the Lord's favorites? They are following the
Lord's command to "...strengthen the feeble knees...".
D&C 84:80 -- Bald
missionaries should find comfort in this verse. It states that when a man
goes forth to preach the gospel, "...a hair of his head shall not
fall to the ground unnoticed."
D&C 85:3 -- The
verse which explains why tithing is excellent 'fire insurance'. It
states, "...to tithe his people, to prepare them against the day of
vengeance and burning..."
D&C 88:95 -- No
teenagers present at the time of the Second Coming? Apparently not,
because this verse says that "...there will be silence in heaven for
the space of half an hour..." at that time.
D&C 90:25 -- The
D&C admonishes us to have small families? Check it out!
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