Wonderful Puns


 

 

  • Kermit Jagger: a frog seeks a loan under very unusual circumstances

 

 

  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

  • A jumper cable walked into a bar.  The bartender said, "I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

 

  • Two peanuts walked into a bar.  One was a salted.

 

  • A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

 

  • A man walked into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.  He said, "A beer, please, and give me one for the road."

 

  • Two cannibals were eating a clown.  One said to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

  • Patient:  "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."

      Doctor:  "That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome to me."

      Patient:  "Is it common?" 

      Doctor:  "Well, It's Not Unusual."

 

  • Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.  Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning!"  "I don't believe you", said Dolly.  "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

 

  • I don't enjoy computer jokes; not one bit.
  • I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now.
  • When chemists die, they barium.
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
  • I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.  He says he can stop any time.
  • How does Moses make his tea?  Hebrews it.
  • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.  Then it dawned on me.
  • This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
  • I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.  I just can't put it down.
  • I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
  • They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
  • PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
  • Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
  • We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.  I hope there's no pop quiz.
  • I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
  • Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
  • When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
  • Broken pencils are pointless.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist. 
  • What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
  • England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
  • I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
  • I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
  • All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.
  • I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
  • Haunted French pancakes give me the crępes.
  • Velcro — what a rip off!
  • A cartoonist was found dead in his home.  Details are sketchy.
  • Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
  • The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
  • Be kind to your dentist.  He has fillings, too.

 

 


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